Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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