I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
