Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
