can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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