Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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