Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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