hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I want her autograph on my taint
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
