OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
