I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize