guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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