I want to have your abortion
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
