my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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