Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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