I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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