I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
