If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
