So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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