I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
