Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
