I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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