so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
