Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
