And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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