Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Randomize
