After last night, I could never be a politician.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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