Having a random hookup so left but love u
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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