i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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