the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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