Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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