This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
