Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
