just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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