...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
