if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
