I wish my penis had an off switch
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
