he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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