I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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