if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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