You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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