If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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