billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
