the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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