drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
