then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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