well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
