Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
