I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
