His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
