dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
