I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
