Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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