Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
