i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Panties = found
Randomize
