the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
