My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
