I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
i think im in europe. pls send help
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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